Beyond Disturbing Part 2

I don't know which is more disturbing re my Beyond Disturbing post below.

Is it the actual video itself?

Or is it the fact that I...can't...stop...watching...it?

Time to call my therapist.

Ozark Foothills Film Fest in Progress

The Ozark Foothills Film Fest is this weekend in Batesville. Bob and Judy Pest, founders of the festival, are tireless supporters of film artistry, as well as Batesville, Arkansas U.S.A.

Click here for an Arkansas Times article regarding this weekend's festivities.

Beyond Disturbing

If you think that pic of John Daly below is disturbing, wait until you see this.

Warning: you will not be able to sleep for weeks.

Time to Play a Game

It's time to play "Pick Out the Rube from Arkansas!!"

OK, contestants, today's edition of "Pick Out the Rube from Arkansas!!" features a well-known Arkansas sports star. So, take a look at the picture above, and see if YOU can "Pick Out the Rube from Arkansas!!"

All right, time's up. If you guessed pro golfer John Daly, YOU'RE CORRECT!

If this would have been an actual contest, you might have won the new 72-pack crate of Bud Light with a complimentary dolly, 400 cartons of Camel cigarettes, an Arkansas Razorbacks golfing cap, and a gift certificate to the nearest Hooters.

Me & Mickey Rourke: One and the Same?

I somehow missed the story of bad boy actor/bad plastic surgery victim Mickey Rourke (aka Fu Manchu and Chad Kroeger's love child) being busted by Miami police for riding a moped erratically in November. (Driving erratically on A MOPED!!! That makes him an automatic rebel in my book.)

Now, TMZ is passing along some fantastic quotes the actor made regarding the arrest. I particularly love the one about the woman who was with him.

As a former owner of a moped who sometimes drove erratically, Rourke has now become a hero of mine.

Cheers, Mickey!

Is Your Host Being Stalked?

While eating with my son at Josie's Steakhouse last night on the flooded White River, I came outside to take a picture of the rising waters. Little did I know someone was watching me.

I received the above pic of me by email this morning.

Creeeepy.

Well...I Guess I'm One

Since I own 9 out of 10 of these products, count me as one.

A Little Something Extra for the Ladies

Due to the enormous amount of emails I've received from the ladies regarding my "Refreshing" post, I thought I'd give them one more delicious visual taste of me.

That's my other buddy, Davy K., on the left.

Ladies, enjoy...

Refreshing

You know, I don't know about you, but every now and then, I like to take a cool dip in a lake.

Oh, that's my best pal, Kenny, in the background.

Bad Album Covers

I'm sorry, but I love stuff like this.

Stupid, Yet Also Brilliant...

In honor of Easter.

Please enjoy.

"Waist" Not "Waste"

Thanks to Brenda Melton of Batesville for pointing out my misuse of the word "waste" in the current print edition of my column in this week's Arkansas Weekly. I've corrected it in the post below.

And I also left out the word "to" in the second paragraph -- after "going" and before the word "hang."

I hate screwing up. Aaaargh...

This Week's "All Over the Map"

Below is this week's "All Over the Map" from Arkansas Weekly:

Here’s something you don’t read every day.

I once had a high school teacher that threatened her class by telling us she was going to hang naked from the chandelier.

Of course, she never did. Perhaps that’s because there wasn’t a chandelier in the classroom.

But if there had been a chandelier in the classroom, it’s quite possible this teacher would have carried through with her threat.

Audrey Seibert, my former typing teacher at Batesville High, probably won’t appreciate the fact I printed her continual threat in the pages of Arkansas Weekly, but then again, many BHS graduates were the targets of such a warning. I would bet some of you reading these words right now would remember Mrs. Seibert saying those very words.

Mrs. Seibert is nothing but a jolly, silly, and fun woman. She’s been retired from teaching for many years, but I still hear from her time to time. And she’s always quick to remind me that I wasn’t the perfect student.

For instance, the one and only time I was sent to the principal’s office in my years of schooling came courtesy of Mrs. Seibert. I kept forgetting to bring typing paper to class until she had enough. Off to Vice Principal George Snelgrove’s office I went, where his stern, no b.s. manner convinced me that it would be best to stock up on Mead typing paper -- pronto.

There was also the time when she came into class and there I was, with my back to her potted plant and my hands held in front of me, below the waist.

“Roooooooaaaaaaaab Guuuurace-ah,” she screamed (Mrs. Seibert has the tendency to add more syllables than necessary to certain words). “Are you tinkling in my puuulannnt-ah?!?”

Of course, I wasn’t. I simply wanted to get a rise out of the woman. Besides, I had no worries because I could have always gotten on her good side if I brought her some Snickers. She loves Snickers.

Audrey called me the other day to check in. Her health isn’t what it used to be, but you certainly can’t tell it when you talk to her. She still has that vibrant and zany personality that made her the favorite teacher of many BHS students. She and her daughter, Patricia, also like to drop into the W.R.D. Entertainment offices from time to time and grace us with a big box of Krispy Kreme donuts.

When she called, I told her I just might write a column about her, she said, “You better not-ah! I’ll tell everybody what you did-ah to my potted plant!”

Mrs. Seibert, I beat you to the punch.

Love ya!

***

I wanted to express my deep appreciation to those who have e-mailed me and called regarding last week’s column concerning clinical depression. It delivered the biggest response I’ve ever had for this column.

When you get a moment, head to my blog – www.suburbanvoodoo.blogspot.com – and scroll down to the link I posted for the webmd.com website devoted to the illness. It contains information for both those afflicted with depression as well as for loved ones of those suffering.

Zach's New Show, etc.

Zach Galifianakis strikes again.

And again.

And again.

Oh, and one more time.

Sneak Peek at Future "All Over the Map"

Not this week's, but next week's "All Over the Map" (UNCENSORED) from Arkansas Weekly:

With the exception of Thanksgiving and Christmas, I absolutely loathe the period of time from Halloween until we move our clocks ahead an hour (as we did a few days back).

When 5:15 in the afternoon brings darkness, I ain’t happy. When I have to warm up my car because arctic conditions reign supreme outside, I ain’t happy. When the long underwear comes out of the drawer, I ain’t happy. When the rain is ice cold and the wind chill brings a bitter and sharp freeze, I ain’t happy. And when my beloved Cardinals pack up the dugout, Uncle Rob ain’t happy.

Yet just as all good things come to an end, all bad things must end as well. The sun is now setting later in the day. It’s over 50 degrees as I write these words. And Mike Shannon is back on ESPN Radio, AM 1340 KBTA, providing play by play for the Cardinals pre-season games.

In early May, with the cool spring air, I’ll be back in Busch Stadium with a kosher dog smothered in grilled onions, cheering on the Red Birds. And Halloween will seem an eternity away.

***

Speaking of Mike Shannon and the Cards on the radio, I miss Jack Buck, but Shannon still keeps the ‘70s nostalgia of my youth alive. Counting the possible exception of former Card Bob Uecker, there’s not another baseball announcer on the air that’s more entertaining.

With his deep voice and (possibly) Budweiser-induced sense of humor, Shannon provides the Cardinals broadcasts with an irreverent, die hard Red Bird fan’s perspective that makes listening to the game on AM 1340 KBTA the next best thing to being there. He truly bleeds Cardinal red.

And, many times during the broadcasts, some truly inane things can come out of his mouth.

I found some hilarious Shannon play-by-play quotes on the web that showcase his sometimes unintentional, um, quirkiness.

For example:

“A hit up the middle right now would be like a nice ham sandwich and a cold, frosty one.”

“He ran to second faster than a cat in Chinatown.”

"...popped up, into foul territory and out of play. Oh, that ball landed right in a lady's Busch."

“That foul tip bounced up and caught him right in the groin…and that’ll really clear your eyes out.”

After eight of the nine Philadelphia Phillies leave the field, wrongly believing a third out had been made: "...and the Phillies all head for the dugout, thinking that was the third out... all except Luzinski out in left... heh heh heh...and he's the pollock.”

“Albert [Pujols] ripped into that pitch the way the Cookie Monster rips into cookies. Atta baby, Albert.”

“They've got a guy named Diaz (Die-az) and we've got a Diaz (Dee-az), and they're both spelled the same. I tell you, folks -- English is a strange language.”

“The Yankees and Mets are playing tonight at Shea. After four innings, New York leads 3 to 2.”

“I just want to tell everyone Happy Easter, and to our Jewish friends, Happy Hanukkah.”

Speaking about a Japanese player: “He’s the biggest thing to hit Japan since they dropped that bomb on Nagashima!”

“There's a full moon in Pittsburgh tonight; hope there's a full moon wherever you are.”

“And that youngster will leave the stadium with a souvenir today. Not a ball, but a nice looking bruise.”

"Well, the Cardinals, Jack, off to their best start since 1987."

“The Ozarks are a beautiful place this time of year, with all the animals scurrying around, trying to add to their heritage…”

“His name sounds like he's from Czechoslavia...er, Yugoslovakia...well, one of those two.”

“And Matt Lawton is stuck in the desert without a paddle.”

“Them umpires, they like those John Wayne movies. Heh. I'll let you think on that one.”

“John, if I had to invest in a company, long-term, I’d invest in hearing aids.”

And last, but certainly not the least:

“Ernie Hayes is up there, playing with his organ.”

If you live in the Batesville area, listen to the Cardinals on EPSN Radio AM 1340 KBTA.

And if you own a business, and would like to advertise on the broadcasts, call Matt Johnson at (870) 793-4196. (Hint. Cough, cough. Hint.)

Drool

I don't care if this flick isn't up to par, I'll still be there on opening day.

Just Asking.

If Tom Hanks and other celebs are always bitching about TMZ.com, why don't they complain to the head honcho at Time Warner and threaten to stop doing business with 'em?

Daddy's Girl

Um...she's looking more and more like her Pop, post-Vegas.

UPDATE: Oops. She's preggers. Heh...eh...sorry.

Early Leader Emerges for Worst Film of 2008!

Defamer confirms what I could have told you weeks ago about the big budget prehistoric adventure, 10,000 B.C. -- which is that the movie sucks.

It'll still rake in millions this weekend. Or maybe not.

Hope This Isn't True.

The National Enquirer is reporting Patrick Swayze, 55 years old, is dying of cancer. Here's the link.

F. Scott on Depression

F. Scott Fitzgerald on dark nights of the soul.

Here.

So That's Where They've Been!

I've been looking and looking for these all through the house then I remembered I brought them with me on that Canadian cruise I took early last year.

Pick Scabs? Now You Know Why!

Scab pickers rejoice! You are not alone.

Web Resource for Depression.

Since depression has, literally, been in my thoughts for the past few months, I thought I would pass along a link to webmd's terrific depression resource page.

Van Halen Tour in Trouble.

News reports indicate that much-ballyhooed Van Halen reunion tour that had been cancelled -- possibly due to some medical issues with the band's troubled leader, Eddie Van Halen -- is now back on.

I had toyed with the idea of possible seeing their stop in North Little Rock in January, but judging from this, eh, "performance" of "Jump" from a recent Florida show, I'm glad I skipped.

Oh well, at least DLR can still twirl a mikestand like mad.

"Onion Movie"

It's been a few years since they completed this flick and it's going straight to DVD -- two things which always indicate trouble -- but The Onion Movie still looks very promising. View trailer here.

"Falling Slowly" Lyrics

I don't know why I'm obsessed with this song, "Falling Slowly" from the film Once, but it's driving me batty. I'm singing it all the time. (Badly, of course...)

Here be the lyrics:

"Falling Slowly"

I don't know you
But I want you
All the more for that
Words fall through me
And always fool me
And I can't react
And games that never amount
To more than they're meant
Will play themselves out

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice
You've made it now

Falling slowly, eyes that know me
And I can't go back
Moods that take me and erase me
And I'm painted black
You have suffered enough
And warred with yourself
It's time that you won

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you had a choice
You've made it now

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you had a choice
You've made it now
Falling slowly sing your melody
I'll sing along