Saturday's lunch: AUTHENTIC tacos, tamales and pico de gallo. $6.Burp.
Excuse me.
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Next week's "All Over the Map."
Here's my "All Over the Map" for next week's Arkansas Weekly:
My son, Hutton, is big on reality shows.
Man vs. Wild. Cops. Mythbusters. Trick My Truck. Dirty Jobs. The Deadliest Catch. Little People, Big World. Jon and Kate Go Irate – or something like that.
In fact, I think he watches more reality TV than regular television stuff. Which is OK, I suppose. I’d rather have him watch a guy getting his hands filthy and blistered doing hard work on programs such as Dirty Jobs or The Deadliest Catch rather than catching re-runs of Full House or that awful show featuring Urkel.
I always wanted to punch Urkel.
Anyway, the other afternoon the two of us were in the country, riding around some backroads in a beaten-up old Kawasaki Mule – which is sort of like a four-wheel-drive golf cart on steroids.
I let Hutt drive because he’s getting at the age where he needs to learn the basics of driving 101 plus it gives him a boost of confidence that all 11-year-old boys could use.
“Hey,” he said to me. “Let me wear your sunglasses.”
I slipped off my aviator-type shades and handed them to him. He put them on, and they looked like they were about two sizes too big for his head.
“OK,” he said as he drove along. “Now. Pretend like you’re a cameraman, and you’re filming me for an episode of Cops. I’m the youngest sheriff’s deputy in America, OK?”
“OK,” I said.
“Well…?”
“What?”
“Well, ask me some questions,” he said. “We’re on Cops.”
“OK,” I said. I held up my hands as if I was holding a video camera. “Uhhh…so you’re the youngest sheriff’s deputy in America, huh?”
“Yep,” he said. His wrist was on the top of the wheel with his hand lazily hanging off the other side. His eyes stayed steady on the road. “It’s pretty cool.”
“I bet. How could an 11-year-old get a job as a sheriff’s deputy?”
“That wasn’t a problem. My dad’s the sheriff.”
“Oh,” I said. “I see. So, do you ever get concerned that you might get hurt in the line of duty?”
“Yeah,” he said, casually glancing over to me then back to the road. “I do get a little scared now and then. You know, there’s some mean people in this world of ours.”
“Sure. Does your mom get nervous?”
“Oh, yeah. Absolutely. But, I try and call her every night and tell her I’m OK.”
“What about your wife? Does she get nervous?”
With that question, he broke character.
“Dad! I’m 11! C’mon!”
“I’m sorry,” I said. “You’re right. You’re right. You’re too young to be married.”
“Right,” he said.
“So then, does your girlfriend get nervous?”
“Dad! I’m 11! I don’t have a girlfriend! I don’t have a wife! C’mon!”
“I had a girlfriend when I was 11,” I said.
He made a frustrated sound.
“Well,” he said. “That’s just weird. Besides…I’m a sheriff’s deputy. I don’t have time for a girlfriend.”
“OK. OK. One last question: why did you become a law enforcement officer?”
“Well,” he said. “You know, my dad’s the sheriff.”
“Right,” I noted.
“And, you know, uh, I like to give back to the world.”
“Right. Plus you look pretty cool in those shades.”
“Yeah,” he nodded. “I know.”
Man vs. Wild. Cops. Mythbusters. Trick My Truck. Dirty Jobs. The Deadliest Catch. Little People, Big World. Jon and Kate Go Irate – or something like that.
In fact, I think he watches more reality TV than regular television stuff. Which is OK, I suppose. I’d rather have him watch a guy getting his hands filthy and blistered doing hard work on programs such as Dirty Jobs or The Deadliest Catch rather than catching re-runs of Full House or that awful show featuring Urkel.
I always wanted to punch Urkel.
Anyway, the other afternoon the two of us were in the country, riding around some backroads in a beaten-up old Kawasaki Mule – which is sort of like a four-wheel-drive golf cart on steroids.
I let Hutt drive because he’s getting at the age where he needs to learn the basics of driving 101 plus it gives him a boost of confidence that all 11-year-old boys could use.
“Hey,” he said to me. “Let me wear your sunglasses.”
I slipped off my aviator-type shades and handed them to him. He put them on, and they looked like they were about two sizes too big for his head.
“OK,” he said as he drove along. “Now. Pretend like you’re a cameraman, and you’re filming me for an episode of Cops. I’m the youngest sheriff’s deputy in America, OK?”
“OK,” I said.
“Well…?”
“What?”
“Well, ask me some questions,” he said. “We’re on Cops.”
“OK,” I said. I held up my hands as if I was holding a video camera. “Uhhh…so you’re the youngest sheriff’s deputy in America, huh?”
“Yep,” he said. His wrist was on the top of the wheel with his hand lazily hanging off the other side. His eyes stayed steady on the road. “It’s pretty cool.”
“I bet. How could an 11-year-old get a job as a sheriff’s deputy?”
“That wasn’t a problem. My dad’s the sheriff.”
“Oh,” I said. “I see. So, do you ever get concerned that you might get hurt in the line of duty?”
“Yeah,” he said, casually glancing over to me then back to the road. “I do get a little scared now and then. You know, there’s some mean people in this world of ours.”
“Sure. Does your mom get nervous?”
“Oh, yeah. Absolutely. But, I try and call her every night and tell her I’m OK.”
“What about your wife? Does she get nervous?”
With that question, he broke character.
“Dad! I’m 11! C’mon!”
“I’m sorry,” I said. “You’re right. You’re right. You’re too young to be married.”
“Right,” he said.
“So then, does your girlfriend get nervous?”
“Dad! I’m 11! I don’t have a girlfriend! I don’t have a wife! C’mon!”
“I had a girlfriend when I was 11,” I said.
He made a frustrated sound.
“Well,” he said. “That’s just weird. Besides…I’m a sheriff’s deputy. I don’t have time for a girlfriend.”
“OK. OK. One last question: why did you become a law enforcement officer?”
“Well,” he said. “You know, my dad’s the sheriff.”
“Right,” I noted.
“And, you know, uh, I like to give back to the world.”
“Right. Plus you look pretty cool in those shades.”
“Yeah,” he nodded. “I know.”
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
This Week's "All Over the Map."
Here's my "All Over the Map" for this week's Arkansas Weekly:
I’ve never been an American Idol fan, but of course, having an Arkansan in the mix for the season finale certainly made for exciting television.
Well, wait…that’s not really an accurate statement. I’ve never watched an episode of American Idol, and I missed the season finale because I forgot the name of the network.
It’s on Bravo, right? Or RFD-TV? See. I forget.
Anyway, I could just kick myself for missing last week’s episode where our very own Chris Allen was awarded the honor of being the 2009 American Idol.
Wow. A Batesville boy done good.
And to think, I graduated with Chris Allen – the Batesville High School Class of 1985, and now look at him: an American Idol!
I never knew the guy could sing. I remember he played football, drove an old Chevy pick-up and occasionally enjoyed dipping tobacco back in the day. I know his lovely wife, and I know he enjoys his “day job” as the service manager at Scott Wood Chrysler. But who knew he could belt out a Michael Jackson song?
This is exciting. First: Mark Martin. Then: me. Now: Chris Allen. Who knew a little community in the Ozark foothills would produce three superstar celebrities? Think of the attention that will now envelop the town. The paparazzi should just set up a branch office in Batesville. The town’s tourist dollars will now explode. And the community leaders need to go ahead and plan an annual Chris Allen fan appreciation weekend. You know – like the celebratory weekend for Mark Martin that’s held every spring. Of course, those community leaders have yet to inform me when my annual celebratory weekend will be held, but in the interest of local solidarity, I’ll allow them to put those plans for me on hold and concentrate on Chris…for a few days.
Obviously, we’re going to have to have a tickertape parade for Chris’ homecoming. It would be really cool if Mark had a break in his NASCAR schedule so he could attend. However, I’ll need to check my schedule as well to see if I’ll be able to participate with Chris and Mark. But just think of the tourists that would flock to Batesville to see the three of us. They’d flock faster than those wild demon-infested pigs from the Bible did when they stormed down into the river and drowned themselves.
Of course, we wouldn’t want the tourists to actually drown themselves like the pigs did, but I was simply trying to think of a good analogy. Or metaphor. Or something like that.
Where was I?
Oh, right! The homecoming for Chris. So, anyway, even if Mark and I could not participate, it would still be a fantastic moment in the history of Batesville. The mayor could present Chris with a key to the city. Chris could sing a few songs for the tens of thousands of people that will come from all over the country. Heck, maybe we could have one of those dances where all the revelers hoist people on chairs like they do in the movies. All of the fans could hoist Chris in a chair above everyone and hop around in celebration. And if I can make it, maybe the crowd could hoist me in a chair above everyone and hop around in celebration. That always looked like a lot of fun, being hoisted up in a chair and all.
I really can’t wait to talk to Chris when he returns from Hollywood. I have a million questions for him. What was it like hearing his name being announced as the new American Idol? Did he meet any celebrities like Regis Philbin, Pauly Shore or Charlton Heston? Will he ever start wearing “guyliner” like his competitor, Adam Lambert? Could he slip a picture of me to Carrie Underwood? Does Ryan Seacrest spray on his tan or it natural? Would he mind loaning me $75,000 when he gets back to town? Arrgh! The questions are endless!
Well again, congratulations to the 2009 American Idol winner: Batesville’s own Chris Allen! I think I speak for all of Batesville, Newport, Tuckerman, Melbourne, Thida, Concord, Possum Grape – oh heck: I speak for all of Arkansas when I say the state is very, very proud of you and your amazing accomplishment!
Wait.
Excuse me, someone’s handing me a note.
Let’s see what it says here…
What?
Who’s Kris Allen?!?
Well, wait…that’s not really an accurate statement. I’ve never watched an episode of American Idol, and I missed the season finale because I forgot the name of the network.
It’s on Bravo, right? Or RFD-TV? See. I forget.
Anyway, I could just kick myself for missing last week’s episode where our very own Chris Allen was awarded the honor of being the 2009 American Idol.
Wow. A Batesville boy done good.
And to think, I graduated with Chris Allen – the Batesville High School Class of 1985, and now look at him: an American Idol!
I never knew the guy could sing. I remember he played football, drove an old Chevy pick-up and occasionally enjoyed dipping tobacco back in the day. I know his lovely wife, and I know he enjoys his “day job” as the service manager at Scott Wood Chrysler. But who knew he could belt out a Michael Jackson song?
This is exciting. First: Mark Martin. Then: me. Now: Chris Allen. Who knew a little community in the Ozark foothills would produce three superstar celebrities? Think of the attention that will now envelop the town. The paparazzi should just set up a branch office in Batesville. The town’s tourist dollars will now explode. And the community leaders need to go ahead and plan an annual Chris Allen fan appreciation weekend. You know – like the celebratory weekend for Mark Martin that’s held every spring. Of course, those community leaders have yet to inform me when my annual celebratory weekend will be held, but in the interest of local solidarity, I’ll allow them to put those plans for me on hold and concentrate on Chris…for a few days.
Obviously, we’re going to have to have a tickertape parade for Chris’ homecoming. It would be really cool if Mark had a break in his NASCAR schedule so he could attend. However, I’ll need to check my schedule as well to see if I’ll be able to participate with Chris and Mark. But just think of the tourists that would flock to Batesville to see the three of us. They’d flock faster than those wild demon-infested pigs from the Bible did when they stormed down into the river and drowned themselves.
Of course, we wouldn’t want the tourists to actually drown themselves like the pigs did, but I was simply trying to think of a good analogy. Or metaphor. Or something like that.
Where was I?
Oh, right! The homecoming for Chris. So, anyway, even if Mark and I could not participate, it would still be a fantastic moment in the history of Batesville. The mayor could present Chris with a key to the city. Chris could sing a few songs for the tens of thousands of people that will come from all over the country. Heck, maybe we could have one of those dances where all the revelers hoist people on chairs like they do in the movies. All of the fans could hoist Chris in a chair above everyone and hop around in celebration. And if I can make it, maybe the crowd could hoist me in a chair above everyone and hop around in celebration. That always looked like a lot of fun, being hoisted up in a chair and all.
I really can’t wait to talk to Chris when he returns from Hollywood. I have a million questions for him. What was it like hearing his name being announced as the new American Idol? Did he meet any celebrities like Regis Philbin, Pauly Shore or Charlton Heston? Will he ever start wearing “guyliner” like his competitor, Adam Lambert? Could he slip a picture of me to Carrie Underwood? Does Ryan Seacrest spray on his tan or it natural? Would he mind loaning me $75,000 when he gets back to town? Arrgh! The questions are endless!
Well again, congratulations to the 2009 American Idol winner: Batesville’s own Chris Allen! I think I speak for all of Batesville, Newport, Tuckerman, Melbourne, Thida, Concord, Possum Grape – oh heck: I speak for all of Arkansas when I say the state is very, very proud of you and your amazing accomplishment!
Wait.
Excuse me, someone’s handing me a note.
Let’s see what it says here…
What?
Who’s Kris Allen?!?
Monday, May 25, 2009
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Sólo matarme ahora, por favor.
No entiendo lo que es cantar, pero maldita sea, ella es caliente! Me gustaría tener de vuelta a mi casa y besar a su cuerpo! Ella necesita a un vertedero que yankee. Mira sus pantalones cortos y ridículo que el pelo tonto!
Ahora, discúlpame, tengo que ir todo el miedo y las mujeres blancas irritar muchas personas de derechas! Adiós.
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Question of the day?
Who is this person? I'll give you a hint: she recently celebrated a birthday.Watch the trailer below, and you'll get the answer, and if you still can't figure it out, check out the actress who receives third billing at the end. (PS: And in all seriousness, this film looks extremely powerful.)
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Friday, May 08, 2009
Next Week's "All Over the Map"
Here's my "All Over the Map" for next week's Arkansas Weekly:
Frequently Asked Questions regarding “All Over the Map” and its author, Rob Grace.
Why is the column entitled “All Over the Map”?
The subject matter of Rob’s columns varies wildly. For example, topics discussed in the column have included pleas for bipartisanship in the political arena; the genius songwriting craftsmanship of Bruce Springsteen and Ryan (not Bryan) Adams; the rise of metrosexuals; the possibility of controlling the poodle population by feeding the fluffy canines to pythons; and, recently, the popularity of fried calf testicles. As one can see, the topics are “All Over the Map.”
Joe Don Baker for President
Is “All Over the Map” a liberal or conservative column?
Neither. As noted above, Rob believes centrist bipartisan politics is crucial to the betterment of the country. He has no use for blowhards like Rachel Maddow or Keith Olbermann pushing the far left agenda or gasbags on the far right such as Sean Hannity or Rush Limbaugh spouting their particular nonsense. Rob also believes Joe Don Baker from Walking Tall would make a great President.
Liberace. Rob has this exact same costume.
Has Rob ever considered running for political office?
No. Rob will never run for political office. He believes there are people much more qualified – such as Joe Don Baker from Walking Tall. Plus, Rob’s habit of dressing like Liberace, complete with a glorious bouffant and sequined cape, would likely be hazardous to his health at political rallies held in rural areas.
Why are there grammatical errors and missing words in some “All Over the Map” columns?
To put it bluntly, the editorial staff at Arkansas Weekly sometimes falls asleep at the wheel. That, and the fact that Rob usually writes “All Over the Map” while consuming 40 ounce bottles of malt liquor at three in the morning, could help explain such mistakes.
Are there any noticeable side effects from reading “All Over the Map”?
Yes. Some readers have reported headaches; double vision; constipation; ulcers; severe mood changes such as a nice state of relaxation quickly turning into severe rage; ingrown toenails; and nausea. In rare instances, readers have reported bleeding from both eyes. One reader’s head reportedly exploded while reading “All Over the Map.” And, there have been two reported cases of readers bursting into flames while reading the column. Please consult your physician before reading “All Over the Map” on a regular basis.
Should I purchase a PC or an Apple?
“All Over the Map” overwhelmingly supports Apple Computers. The column also endorses Kentucky Fried Chicken, long hot bubble baths with at least two rubber ducks (or rubber SpongeBob SquarePants toys), the collected masterworks of Liberace, Sanford & Son re-runs, mashed potatoes, Colt 45 malt liquor and Joe Don Baker from Walking Tall for President.
On a related topic, how do I repair my Dell laptop computer?
After diagnosis by a Dell technician, Dell will send you packaging and instructions to mail your notebook to a Dell repair facility. Your repaired notebook will usually be returned to you in 7-10 business days after you've shipped it.
But if you would have followed Rob’s advice, you would have bought an Apple. Dummy.
Adam Lambert
Does Adam Lambert from American Idol play for the other team?
Duh.
What happens at the end of Marley & Me?
The dog dies, okay? Move on.
Does “All Over the Map” currently accept Fred’s pharmacy patients?
Yes.
Beatles or the Stones?
The Stones, all the way. (Although the late-era Beatles do rock.)
If Rob was trapped on a desert island with Barry Manilow, Adam Lambert, Rosie O’Donnell, Keith Olbermann and the guy from the Verizon commercials, what would he do?
Rob would locate the tallest point on the island, climb to that particular point, jump from that particular point and pray for a quick, painless end.
Can you tell me what this growth is under my right arm?
It looks like a harmless seborrheic keratosis. No worries. You’ll be fine. I can burn it off for you if you wish.
Type of outfit Rob wore to Possum Grape catfish fry.
Why does Rob have a black eye?
That’s what will happen when you head to the Possum Grape catfish fry dressed like Liberace.
Should we be concerned with Rob’s mental state?
Oh, yes. Definitely.
Frequently Asked Questions regarding “All Over the Map” and its author, Rob Grace.
Why is the column entitled “All Over the Map”?
The subject matter of Rob’s columns varies wildly. For example, topics discussed in the column have included pleas for bipartisanship in the political arena; the genius songwriting craftsmanship of Bruce Springsteen and Ryan (not Bryan) Adams; the rise of metrosexuals; the possibility of controlling the poodle population by feeding the fluffy canines to pythons; and, recently, the popularity of fried calf testicles. As one can see, the topics are “All Over the Map.”
Joe Don Baker for PresidentIs “All Over the Map” a liberal or conservative column?
Neither. As noted above, Rob believes centrist bipartisan politics is crucial to the betterment of the country. He has no use for blowhards like Rachel Maddow or Keith Olbermann pushing the far left agenda or gasbags on the far right such as Sean Hannity or Rush Limbaugh spouting their particular nonsense. Rob also believes Joe Don Baker from Walking Tall would make a great President.
Liberace. Rob has this exact same costume.Has Rob ever considered running for political office?
No. Rob will never run for political office. He believes there are people much more qualified – such as Joe Don Baker from Walking Tall. Plus, Rob’s habit of dressing like Liberace, complete with a glorious bouffant and sequined cape, would likely be hazardous to his health at political rallies held in rural areas.
Why are there grammatical errors and missing words in some “All Over the Map” columns?
To put it bluntly, the editorial staff at Arkansas Weekly sometimes falls asleep at the wheel. That, and the fact that Rob usually writes “All Over the Map” while consuming 40 ounce bottles of malt liquor at three in the morning, could help explain such mistakes.
Are there any noticeable side effects from reading “All Over the Map”?
Yes. Some readers have reported headaches; double vision; constipation; ulcers; severe mood changes such as a nice state of relaxation quickly turning into severe rage; ingrown toenails; and nausea. In rare instances, readers have reported bleeding from both eyes. One reader’s head reportedly exploded while reading “All Over the Map.” And, there have been two reported cases of readers bursting into flames while reading the column. Please consult your physician before reading “All Over the Map” on a regular basis.
Should I purchase a PC or an Apple?
“All Over the Map” overwhelmingly supports Apple Computers. The column also endorses Kentucky Fried Chicken, long hot bubble baths with at least two rubber ducks (or rubber SpongeBob SquarePants toys), the collected masterworks of Liberace, Sanford & Son re-runs, mashed potatoes, Colt 45 malt liquor and Joe Don Baker from Walking Tall for President.
On a related topic, how do I repair my Dell laptop computer?
After diagnosis by a Dell technician, Dell will send you packaging and instructions to mail your notebook to a Dell repair facility. Your repaired notebook will usually be returned to you in 7-10 business days after you've shipped it.
But if you would have followed Rob’s advice, you would have bought an Apple. Dummy.
Adam LambertDoes Adam Lambert from American Idol play for the other team?
Duh.
What happens at the end of Marley & Me?
The dog dies, okay? Move on.
Does “All Over the Map” currently accept Fred’s pharmacy patients?
Yes.
Beatles or the Stones?
The Stones, all the way. (Although the late-era Beatles do rock.)
If Rob was trapped on a desert island with Barry Manilow, Adam Lambert, Rosie O’Donnell, Keith Olbermann and the guy from the Verizon commercials, what would he do?
Rob would locate the tallest point on the island, climb to that particular point, jump from that particular point and pray for a quick, painless end.
Can you tell me what this growth is under my right arm?
It looks like a harmless seborrheic keratosis. No worries. You’ll be fine. I can burn it off for you if you wish.
Type of outfit Rob wore to Possum Grape catfish fry.Why does Rob have a black eye?
That’s what will happen when you head to the Possum Grape catfish fry dressed like Liberace.
Should we be concerned with Rob’s mental state?
Oh, yes. Definitely.
Happy Mother's Day!
Here's a little suggestion for a Mom's Day Gift: the new Regan doll from The Exorcist. It'll remind her how much of a devil you were as a child. Only $35.95!
Thursday, May 07, 2009
Party Q in the Ozarks.
Batesville's Party Q team recently competed in a Northwest Arkansas contest. The Morning News did a little feature on the contest, and Party Q is featured. Makes me hungry...
Wednesday, May 06, 2009
Tuesday, May 05, 2009
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